That’s right, Nickle-ass, I’m calling you out! You talk a good game, claiming you deserve to be in the starting line-up every match, but lately your play is convincing some Gooners that Bendtner is Danish for FRIGGIN’ GODAWFUL FIRST TOUCH!

How many absolute sitters have you missed recently? How many times has a brilliant pass been undone, by you booting the ball in such a clumsy fashion, that a sure goal opportunity evaporates?

Mind you, Nicky ol’ boy, these are rhetorical questions.

Last night’s Champions League match against Roma was no different. Are you aware the Guardian called you “hapless”? To be fair, they were referring to EbouĂ© as well.

That’s right, hide your face!

You alone are not responsible for Arsenal’s lack of goals. Plenty of your first team compatriots share your inability to find the back of the net recently. But let’s stay focused on you for right now.

Now, there is a method to my madness. Remember, it was not all that long ago, I was deriding William “Big Willy” Gallas and telling anyone who would listen, he should be off. And what happened? He’s been pretty rock-solid in the back four every since. Steady run of play, nary a peep to the press, no outbursts on the pitch.

Of course, I’m unwilling to take all the credit for this turnaround. But should you prove me wrong and start scoring some goals, I’ll know I’m on to something. Until then, cock your ear towards San Francisco, where you will hear the exasperated shouts of BENDTNER! emanating from Maggie McGarrys Irish Pub.

And now for your listening pleasure, AC/DC!

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