Here are your New Year’s resolutions!

I rarely make New Year’s resolutions myself. If there’s anything worth resolving to do, chances are I’ve already done it or it’s an aspect of my character that deep down I know will never change, so making a resolution would be the same as lying.

However, live amongst other people for any length in time, and you will encounter behaviors that really could use changing. So if you’re a person who does the things I’m about to describe, these are your New Year’s resolutions.

I, (your name here), resolve that in 2011, I will:

  • clean up after my dog. You know who you are. We won’t dwell on the number of stupid reasons you had for getting a dog you clearly can’t take care of, but if you have any shred of human decency left, this should be an easy one to stick to. Ditto for any other kind of littering.
  • not honk at the car ahead that stopped for people in the crosswalk. Seriously, what do you want them to do? Run them over? I don’t even own a car so chances are the person you’re encouraging them to hit, is me.  What’s next? You probably end up doing this.
  • say I’m on the bus, I’ll call you back as soon as I’m off, when the phone rings on public transit. That way, that poor guy next to you, reading his book, doesn’t have to hear one side of a conversation about your recent medical procedure, or what Kristin did on her trip to Vegas. At the very least, you could use your “inside” voice. Mommy and Daddy never taught you about “inside/outside voices”? Well, that explains your lack of proper boundaries.
  • not hold up a cell phone at a concert. Nobody wants to see your fuzzy, off-balance clip on YouTube. Besides you are serious annoying the people behind you, which is often me.  Ditto for talking incessantly through the performance .  No one paid to hear you talk.

If you can make these your New Year’s resolutions stick, I can virtually guarantee people will like you a whole lot better.

Especially me, because I won’t be stepping in your dog’s crap, getting run over by a car you’re honking at, listening to your inane chatter on the bus, or having your upraised phone invading my view of the stage.

Happy New Year!  I’m cannot wait for the new you!

PS: Got New Year’s resolutions for other people? List them below!